Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Currently: April

Hey there! I'm struggling to find the time to sit down and write blog posts. Paul is quite the demanding boss and keeps me on my toes much of the day!  ;) Here's what is going on in my world these days!

Reading: Alternate Side by Anna Quindlen. Quindlen is one of my favorite authors so I was really excited to see that she has a new book out! 

Loving:  my daily stroller walks with Paul. I've been waiting (not-so-patiently) for nicer weather to arrive and it finally arrived this past weekend so we got out for a nice long walk on Saturday. There was still a lot of snow on the ground at that point but it has mostly melted since then thanks to the warm, sunny weather! We've been out for daily, hour-long stroller walks every day since Friday. The fresh air and sunshine feel SO good.







Feeling: grateful that I am able to take a 20-week maternity leave. The first 8 weeks have gone by so fast since we've had soooo many doctor appointments. I'm actually looking forward to feeling a little bit bored but I'm not sure when that will happen as we still have quite a few appointments to get through this month. 

Wondering: what the pediatrician is going to say about Paul's weight at his 2-month appointment next week. When I weighed him this past Monday, he was 8 pounds 10oz. That's sooo small for 7.5 weeks and below the 5th percentile. But I don't feel like we can get him to eat more than he's currently eating. I'm also wondering how he'll handle the vaccinations he'll get at that appointment. I'm kind of dreading watching him to get all the various shots! 

Anticipating: our first anniversary! We will be going on our first date that night as 2 college friends graciously offered to watch Paul that night. We're going to our favorite special occasion restaurant, 112 Eatery, which is where we went the night we got engaged. I can't wait for a night out with Phil. It's pretty crazy that we will have a 2.5 month old on our first wedding anniversary. We are so very, very lucky. Side note: We are going to share an anniversary with Prince Henry and Princess Megan, which is kind of fun. I'm looking forward to watching the wedding coverage. I can't wait to see Princess Megan's dress!

Watching: The Crown on Netflix. Phil resisted watching this but I finally talked him into it. We are really enjoying it so far!

Grateful: for the moms I've met through the new mom class I took. We had our last class this past Monday but our group is going to continue to meet weekly until we are back at work. It's been really great to get to know a group of women who are in the exact same stage of parenting as we are. 

Working: out again finally!! I ended up purchasing a 12-week post-baby program from Gina of Fitnessista. I'm really starting over from ground 0 since I wasn't able to workout during my pregnancy between the subchorionic hemorrhage bleeding early in the pregnancy and the relentless RA flares. So I wanted to be smart about getting back into working out, hence the reason I splurged and spent $97 on this program. Plus my parents had given me money for my birthday which I had earmarked for for classes of some sort. I started the program this week and am really loving it. It's great to follow a program that is designed for a post-partum body. My body when through so dang much between pregnancy and the C-section so I know I need to be careful about my return to fitness. The 12-week program is broken out in to 3 4-week segments and the intensity gradually ramps up. The cardio in the first segment is stroller walks which we are loving!

Listening: to "Best of Both Worlds" podcast which is all about being a working mom. I listened to a few episodes and loved it so much that I decided to start back at episode 1 and listen to every episode. It's so great and something I highly recommend to other working moms!

Wishing: that my complexion was better. The only thing that has worked in the past is birth control plus another drug called spironolactone. I can never be on birth control or any hormonal supplement again due to the genetic mutation that makes me prone to getting blood clots. And spironolactone is not safe to use while breast feeding. My dermatologist gave me a topical antibiotic but it hasn't done much good. I hate how awful my complexion is right now so I've decided to eliminate dairy as that has helped in the past. I'm hoping that it will also help with the silent reflux Paul has. I can tell he's in pain after eating which is tough to see so hopefully I can kill 2 birds with one stone by eliminating dairy! 

What are you reading, watching and wishing?

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Baby Paul's Baptism

Baby Paul was baptized this past weekend. We had planned the baptism for April 15th before he was even born. At the time we were hoping that the weather would be nice enough for our guests to hang out on the back deck. Our house is pretty small and we were expecting 15+ people so the extra outdoor space would make things more comfortable.

Well, that did not happen because we got the 12th biggest snow storm in Minneapolis's history on Saturday-Sunday.


Our back deck on Saturday in the early afternoon
Luckily my parents and sister and her family that were traveling from North Dakota/NW Minnesota made it. I did not expect either of them to make it but they lucked out and were able to arrive in the Twin Cities before the snow really started to fall.

My mom came over on Saturday afternoon to help with the meal prep. I tried to keep it as easy as possible. I was only about 6 weeks post partum so I didn't want to overdo it but I also wanted a special and delicious meal for our guests. We made 2 egg bakes and a spiced coffee cake. A couple of weeks earlier I made a couple of batches of homemade granola which we served with vanilla yogurt and fresh berries. Phil's mom provided a fruit salad. Unfortunately she was not able to make it as she hadn't been dug out by Sunday morning and the roads were still awful.  :(

On Saturday afternoon my mom and I got were pretty busy in the kitchen. Phil was running errands and doing other things around the house, so I put Paul in the K-Tan carrier so I could have both hands free to help out in the kitchen. In the past he has hated being in the carrier but he now likes it! Score!


My mom was planning to go back to my brothers that night since they have a roomy suburban home, but we ended up getting about 15" of snow that day and it was still snowing in the evening so she ended up staying with us. Luckily she had left her bags in the car when she came over on Saturday so she had everything she needed! I don't think she minded getting stranded at our house as she got lots of extra cuddles from Paul!

The baptism was on Sunday morning after mass. I bought an outfit for Paul when he was just over a week old. At that point I thought he would be in 0-3 month clothes so that is the size I bought for him. Everyone always says that babies are barely in newborn clothes...  turns out that is NOT the case for us as he'll be in that size for at least 2 months since he is such a peanut! So his outfit was pretty big on him but we just went with it because I had nothing else to dress him in.

Paul's expression = how he feels about wearing something besides sleepers
The baptism was really nice. He was baptized by one of the priests who officiated at our wedding. It's pretty crazy that he was performing this sacrament just under 11 months after he married us! We ended up baptizing Paul at a church 2 blocks from our house instead of the church we got married at. We both prefer the church where we got married but convenience rules right now (the other church is downtown so not a super convenient location to get to). We were VERY glad we only had to drive 2 blocks (we would normally walk but that was out of the question with the amount of snow we received - plus it was STILL snowing on Sunday morning).


With Father Park

Paul's Godparents - my brother Kevin and SIL Julie

With grandma and grandpa
After the baptis, everyone came back to our house. We ended up having 11 guests in addition to Phil and me. Phil's mom was snowed in and he told his aunt and cousins who were planning to come to stay home and meet Paul another time since the road conditions were so bad.

I was too busy to take any pictures of the food, besides the cake that we ordered from a local grocery store. In hindsight we could have skipped dessert as not many people ate cake but oh well. My sister-in-law made homemade vanilla ice cream and I enjoyed a large serving of that as her ice cream is so good (the cake was not GF - GF cake sucks so I just ordered a regular cake).



Paul got to meet 3 more of his cousins! As you can see, we quickly changed him out of his fancy outfit and into a cozy sleeper!

Evelyn, my youngest niece

Charlie and Paul

My Godson James and Paul

After brunch everyone headed out. It was still snowing so the out-of-towners wanted to hit the road so they'd have plenty of time to get back home.

By the end of Sunday, we had about 20" of snow, I think.


It's soooo depressing to look out our window in mid-April and see all this snow. I know it will melt fast but it's just insane that we have so much snow on the ground. This snowstorm was the 12th biggest snowstorm Minneapolis has ever experience. Additionally, it set a record for the biggest April snowstorm on record and made this the snowiest April on record. It also made this season the 10th snowiest winter ever, and 1/3 of the seasonal snowfall happpened in the last 2 weeks. :....(

We tried to get out for a walk today as I *thought* that sidewalks would be shoveled by now (you are required by law to shovel your sidewalks within a day or 2 of a storm). I tried walking along a road that is lined with commercial businesses as I thought for sure the sidewalks would be clear. NOPE.

But I guess this weather is what makes us midwesterners so hearty. And it really makes us appreciate beautiful summer and fall days. I'm just ready for those beautiful days to be here!

Nonetheless, Paul's baptism was a very special event, even with the terrible weather and the missing family members!

Friday, April 13, 2018

Baby Paul: 6 weeks

Baby Paul turned 6 weeks yesterday! I haven't written an update since 3 weeks as life has felt really busy. I have yet to feel the least bit 'bored' during maternity leave. We have had a lot doctor appointments between me and Paul and my mom's group meets twice a week so between all of those trips out of the house plus visitors, the first 6 weeks have felt pretty busy. I'm really hoping things slow down soon as I don't want my whole maternity leave to fly by as fast as the first 6 weeks have!

Weight gain has continued to be our chief concern so far. He's finally starting to consistently gain weight, though, so that is a big relief for mom and dad - especially for mom as I have worried so much about his weight. As of Monday he was above 8 pounds, but just barely which means he only gained 12 ounces in the first 6 weeks of life (plus the weight he lost after he was born so he's gained over a pound when you factor that in). I expected breast feeding to be a challenge but I never imagined how challenging feeding a baby would be.  We saw a speech pathologist a couple of weeks ago for a feeding consult (this is something pediatric speech pathologists specialize in - a lot of people have been confused when I say our 4 week old saw a speech pathologist) and we saw an OT and ENT this week. The OT gave us some things to work on to strengthen his ability to suck and swallow and the ENT confirmed that he has a mild case of something called Laryngomalacia, which makes it harder for him to suck, swallow and breath efficiently. Luckily it's something he will grow out of, though. 

He started to smile in the last week or so which has been so fun for Phil and me. There's nothing like having your baby lock eyes with you and grin! Some are just little smiles but we've gotten a few big smiles that I haven't been able to catch on camera.





Likes:

He still likes to work his legs out of the legs of his sleeper so he can pull them close to this body. I am impressed that he can still do this because a lot of his sleepers are getting snug lengthwise. He's quite the little Houdini!

Yea! I got my legs out!
He still loves to move his arms around. He'll even move them around in his sleep if he isn't swaddled. It looks like he is conducting an orchestra!


He also likes sticking out his bottom lip in the most adorable way when he is upset, his pacifier, bath time, his swing, and laying on his side to fall asleep in mom's arms.

Dislikes: eating right after he wakes up from the epic 3 hour naps he takes each afternoon. He goes back and forth from sucking to screaming...  I don't know if he has gas at that time of day or what the deal is but it only happens during that feeding so we just kind of accept that it's not a fun feeding experience for the bottle giver (which is almost always Phil). He also dislikes the evenings in general as that is when he is fussiest, being burped when he wants to keep eating, being cold, and he now dislikes tummy time after liking it the first couple of weeks of life.

Sleeping: He is a good sleeper - at least for now! He goes to bed around 9:30 and will sleep for a 5-7 hour stretch. After that he is up every 2-3 hours. I used to get up during his first 5-7 hour stretch to pump but am trying to cut that pump out as I just really need my sleep. 

He doesn't sleep well during the early and mid-day unless he's in the stroller and being held but he goes down for a super long nap around 2:30-3 and sleeps for 3-3.5 hours. I hope that keeps happening because it's nice to know that I have 3 hours to get stuff done around the house and I sometimes will lay down for a nap when he is sleeping when I'm particularly exhausted. 

Napping in mom's lap

Feeding: I'm pretty much exclusively pumping and giving him bottles. He breastfeeds in the morning most days so he can stay familiar with it. I haven't given up on being able to breastfeed him when his suck gets stronger but for now I've come to terms with the fact that I need to pump. I'm not sure how long we'll exclusively breastfeed him. I honestly hate pumping and find it so hard to pump + care for an infant. But my tentative goal is to make it to 6 month. I've frozen about 100 ounces so far and my daily supply of breast milk is gradually increasing so I'm hoping that I can cut back on how often I'm pumping when I return to work. But we will see how things play out. 


So all in all, things are going really well. He's gaining weight, he's sleeping great, and he's a pretty content little guy! Sure there are things I'd like to change, like the fact that breast feeding hasn't worked out for us, but I know that we are very lucky to have such a healthy, sweet baby boy!

He'll get to meet more family this weekend as his baptism is on Sunday. Well, I should say *hopefully* he'll be meeting more family. Sadly we are supposed to get a winter storm on today/tomorrow. I can't believe we are getting another storm in April. We could get 6-12" of snow in addition to rain and freezing rain. This is the worst April I can remember as we got 10" of snow earlier this month and a few other smaller snow falls and we might get more snow on Wednesday. It's so depressing to look out the window and see snow but hopefully spring will arrive very soon! I'm crossing my fingers and toes and praying the weather forecast is home so that my parents and sister and her family can make it down here for the baptism!

Monday, April 9, 2018

Maternity Leave Goals

At the start of 2018, I decided not to set any goals for 2018 since I wasn't sure what life with an infant would like for us. Now that we've been parents for almost 6 weeks, I feel ready to set a few goals for my maternity leave. I know it might not be wise to set goals for my maternity leave as I know I should be enjoying it and soaking up time with Paul. But I'm the kind of person that does best when I have goals I am striving for. Plus caring for an infant kind of feels like Ground Hog's Day so I am thinking that having some goals will give me some purpose and push me to be more productive (occasionally).

Here are some things I'm hoping to accomplish before I return to work on July 10th!

1. Swap out maternity clothes for pre-pregnancy clothes.  I've been hesitant to pack up my maternity clothes as I figure there are some tops I might want to wear since I don't quite fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes. That said, it's been 6 weeks and I have yet to wear any maternity tops so I think I should swap them out soon and get my pre-pregnancy clothes back in the closet.

2. Lose my maternity weight. This might be an unrealistic goal, but I'd love to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight by the time I return to work in July. I didn't put on all that much weight during the pregnancy so this seems pretty doable. I know my body will probably never look like it did pre-pregnancy but I'd like to be able to fit into some or most of my pre-pregnancy work clothes as I hate the thought of buying a whole new wardrobe! I think if I pay a little closer attention to what I am eating and find ways to move my body every day, I can get back or close to my pre-pregnancy weight. If I'm struggling to lose the weight, I will probably join Weight Watchers in June as I've always had success with that program.

3. Clean out the rest of our kitchen cupboards.  In January, I started to clean out the cupboards in our kitchen. Then the pain of my blood clot set in and derailed that project. I only have our bottom cupboards left so this is a pretty manageable task!

So there you have - 3 things I'd like to accomplish in the next 3 months. 2 seem achievable, one (losing my maternity weight) is a bit of a stretch goal. If I don't accomplish all 3 then so be it, but at least this will give me some things to work towards!

Are there any goals that you are working towards right now?

Friday, April 6, 2018

Podcasts, Books and Looks of March

March was the longest, shortest month for us. I think other parents will understand what I mean when I say that. It's hard to believe that Paul is already a month old but at the same time, labor and delivery feels like a lifetime ago! Here's my usual monthly recap!

Podcasts:

Chatty Sisters Podcast: This continues to be my favorite podcast. It's the only one that I listen to as soon as a new episode is available. I know Caroline and Kelly, but even if you don't know them, you'd enjoy it. Their episode about pet peeves made me realize how many I have. Ha!

Books:

I wasn't sure how much I would read after having a baby but I managed to read 3 books in March, which I'm really happy with. The kindle ap for my phone is a Godsend. I get so much more reading thanks to that ap. I tend to read when pumping or rocking Paul. I personally choose reading over watching tv because reading is how I unwind. But there is no wrong choice about how to unwind!



Commonwealth by Ann Patchett - 4 stars - This was by far the best book I read in March and one of the best I've read so far this year. I've read several Patchett books and this one is my favorite. It's about a blended family that is merged when 2 people leave their spouses and marry. It's a character-driven novel so if you need a novel that is heavy on plot, this one isn't for you. It's one of those books where I was sad when it was over because it was so good.

From Sand and Ash by Amy Harmon - 3 stars - This is a WWII novel set in Italy. I hadn't ever read a book from this genre that is set in Italy so it was interesting to read about the wartime developments in Italy. I knew that they were ruled by a Fascist and aligned with Germany but I wasn't aware that Jews were rounded up in Italy. It was a sad book given the genre but overall pretty good. I only gave it 3 stars, though, as it wasn't as good as other WWII books I've read recently.

The Last Days of Cafe Leila - 3 stars - This book is mostly set in Tehran. A middle-aged woman and her daughter who live in San Fransciso go back to her home city of Tehran so the woman can show her daughter where she grew up. They end up extending their stay as the woman's father is ill. I learned a lot about the conditions in Tehran, especially during the 70s and 80s, the woman's mother was killed at that time. The book moves back and forth in time and I was somewhat confused at times - possibly due to sleep deprivation!! - so I only get it 3 stars.

Looks:

I live in leggings, tank tops and cardigans these days since I'm pumping around the clock, so I have no looks to share! So instead, I'll share some of my favorite faces/looks Paul makes. He is such an expressive little guy!

Paul started to smile this week which is the best!


The look on Paul's face matches how I felt about seeing snow in the forecast in April. We got 10" earlier this week and might get 3-7" more this weekend. Booooo!

He is so much more alert and really locks eyes with us now!
Phil said it looks like Paul is driving an imaginary motorcycle in this picture. He LOVES to move his arms around!

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Currently: March

Hey there! A post that isn't (solely) about the baby! He gets plenty of mentions, though! Here's what's currently going on in my world!

Reading: From Sand and Ash by Amy Harmon. I got this for free through Kindle Prime. I've heard really good things and it is highly rated so hopefully I will like it. It's a WWII novel, which is a genre that I am a sucker for. I'm happy to say that I am still finding time to read, especially with all the pumping that I am doing! I managed to read 3 books in March which is pretty impressive since I've been sleep deprived and caring for a newborn!

Loving:  so many things. Our newborn photos (you can see our photographer's post here), how much my love for Phil has grown since welcoming Paul into the world, the funny facial expressions that Paul makes, and so much more! Here are some photos of his funny expressions.

Paul is plotting how to achieve world domination in this photo.
 
"Seriously, mom?"


"Hmm, should I poop now or after mom has changed my diaper?" (The answer always seems to be after I change his diaper.)



Feeling: better about how Paul is getting fed since my post last week. I still have moments where I cry or feel frustrated, but overall I know that pumping and bottle feeding is the right approach for now. We had a weight check last Friday and he is finally above birth weight! So clearly giving him bottles is working better than trying to get him to breastfeed. 

Wondering: if I am going to avoid the post partum RA flare that my rheum said I might get in the first 12 weeks of Paul's life. I'm hoping that maybe I 'paid my dues' by having flares about for most of my pregnancy! I started my new injections the day after we got home from the hospital and have gone over a week without a flare so I'm really hoping flares are a thing of the past for me now that I'm back on good, strong drugs!

Anticipating: Paul's baptism on April 15th. My mom is going to come help with the food prep on Saturday (we are hosting brunch following the baptsim) and I know she'll give Paul lots and lots of snuggles. She's sooo good with babies and just loves being around Paul so much. We wish she lived closer! I'm also excited for my dad to see Paul again as he hasn't seen him since the day he was born and he's changed so much!

Watching: very little tv. People told me I'd binge watch tv on maternity leave but so far that hasn't been the case. I did watch more tv when Phil was home on paternity leave for 2 weeks, though. We watched a documentary on Netflix about the police department in Flint, MI which was interesting and super depressing! We also started to watch the 3rd season of Love on Netflix but we haven't finished it yet. It's pretty good but not as good as the first 2 seasons. We also watched a lot of NCAA basketball games. I'm in the running to win the pool at Phil's office. I need Kansas to beat Gonzaga! 

Grateful:  for all the food that friends and family have brought to us! I haven't really cooked since Paul was born, besides making some granola and things like that. It's so nice to have a freezer full of food as making meals seems like it'd be so overwhelming right now!

Working: on getting stuff out of our freezer. Besides lots of meals from family and friends, we also have a lot of stuff in our freezer that I'm trying to get out of there - especially meat from our meat share. I barely cooked during the last 2 months of the pregnancy due to pain from the blood clot and RA flares, so things started to sort of accumulate. I'm looking forward to using up some of the sausage and bacon in the egg bakes for the baptism. We need to make room in our freezer for frozen milk as eventually I am hoping I'll be producing enough to freeze some!

Listening: to Brandi Carlile's new Album. I love her so much. She is hands down my favorite artist!!

Wishing: that spring would arrive. I'm so sick of snow, ice and freezing temps! I hope April is a warmer, sunnier month!

What are you loving, anticipating and grateful for?

Friday, March 23, 2018

On Not Getting What You Want

We are 3 weeks into parenting so far and wow has it been an exciting, emotional, exhausting ride thus far. Today's posts is one that should be filed under "real talk." I'm going to preface this post by saying that we are so incredibly grateful to have a healthy, happy baby boy. I have friends who have experienced infertility and gone to great lengths, emotional and financial, to have a child, and I have friends who have children with serious health problems. We are so very grateful that we do not fall into either of those camps. We got pregnant easily and we have a very healthy boy and I'm vowing to never take those blessings for granted.

But dang, so much about being pregnant and having a child has not gone that way I thought it would or wanted it to. A friend once said that her provider told her that women either struggle with getting pregnant, have a difficult pregnancy, have a difficult labor, or struggle or are unable to breastfeed. The provider said that pretty much no one has all 4 of those things come easily to them. I kept that in mind during the pregnancy.

Clearly, getting pregnant was incredibly easy for us as we got pregnant the first month that we tried. Then as my pregnancy progressed, it became clear that I was not going to have an easy pregnancy. It started with the ongoing, painful RA flares. Then I found out I had gestational diabetes due to being on steroids to keep the pain from my RA flares somewhat manageable. Then I got a terrible blood clot that resulted in a hospitalization and twice-a-day blood thinner injections.

As I approached our induction I thought, "OK, this pregnancy has been hard so maybe I will have a good labor and delivery experience." Except that didn't happen as Paul would not descend in the birth canal so I ended up needing a C-section which was something I was *really* hoping to avoid.

But after the C-section I thought - "Ok, maybe breast feeding is going to come fairly easily to us." I felt like I'd been through so much that I was due for something to come easily for a change.

Oh how wrong I was. As I've mentioned in my last 2 Paul updates, breast feeding has been a struggle. Paul struggled to latch in the hospital so we ended up having to use a nipple shield and even with that, he has been such a sleepy eater that I have to strip him down to a diaper and poke and prod him while breast feeding him to keep him awake and sucking. Then we had a string of doctor appointments, weigh ins and lactation consultant weigh ins which showed that Paul was not gaining enough weight. As of our last appointment on Tuesday with the lactation consultant, he's still below birth weight. We did a weighted feed (they weigh him before he eats and then weigh him after he eats on each side). It wasn't surprising to learn that he had eaten less than an ounce because even with all the poking and prodding and tickling, he was barely sucking and swallowing. Not every feed goes like that - sometimes he will suck and swallow pretty consistently. But a lot of the time he doesn't. So he expends calories trying to eat and I feel like crying (and sometimes do) because something that is supposed to be innate and natural is so very difficult for us. And yes, genetics are at play with his lack of weight gain because Phil and I were slow to gain weight and Phil has a hard time keeping weight on (must be rough, huh?). But he should be gaining more weight than he has and every pediatrician weigh in and lactation consultant appointment left me feeling like I was failing.

On Tuesday at our lactation consultant appointment, the LC reviewed our options and then said, "how are you feeling, mom?" I think she sensed how much I was stressing out over his weight and how defeated I was feeling. She said that this is such a brief and fleeting phase of life and that she wants me to enjoy feeding my baby and that she senses that all the struggles we were having with breast feeding were keeping me from really enjoying the time with Paul - or at least the time he spent eating, which is a lot since he eats 8 times a day. Because for the last week or so, I've been breast feeding him and giving him a bottle of pumped milk and then I was pumping after 5-6 feeds which was just exhausting. So we decided that I would doing more pumping and bottle feeding and only put him to the breast first thing in the morning when I am most full and at the end of the day when Phil is around to help. She was very encouraging and positive and said that as he gets stronger, he may get better at sucking and will eat more efficiently. But until then, we need to get some calories in him and get him growing like he should be.

I've cried a lot since Tuesday because this is just not what I envisioned. I've had friends who have struggled with breast feeding and I've supported them and said "fed is best," which I wholeheartedly agree with. But it's different when you have to tell yourself that fed is best, even when it doesn't look like what you had envisioned. I felt like I had paid my dues with a hard pregnancy and difficult delivery/C-section. And I stupidly thought maybe I was 'owed' a good breast feeding experience.

Except that's not how life works. You don't always get what you deserve. You can do all the right things and still experience disappointment over how things play out. And these feelings aren't only limited to the experience of getting pregnant and raising a child. I remember feeling frustrated over how long it took to meet my life partner. There were times when I was so hyper-focused on my love life (or the lack thereof). But then I met Phil and I realized that he was worth the wait and that we both needed to have our time apart to do the things we were meant to do (career development, MBA, CFA, traveling, etc.). Would it have been nice to have met him sooner? Absolutely. But I can look back and see that it all worked out the way it was meant to.

And now I'm having that experience of wanting something else so badly (the ability to breast feed our son) and wondering if it will ever play out the way that I envisioned. But I also know that this is a period of our life where I'm so hyper-focused on how he is getting fed and that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. No one has ever really asked me if I was breastfed. I was, but it's so not relevant once you are out of the infant phase (yes, there are wonderful benefits to breast feeding but sometimes it just doesn't work). And at the end of the day, Paul is still getting my breast milk (plus some formula because right now I'm not producing enough to satiate him right now).

I know that with time this will feel like less of a huge disappointment and a failing on my part. Logically I know that it's not at all a failure on my part - but post partum hormones/emotions really mess with your mind. I keep reminding myself that he's healthy and happy and that I've done everything possible to try to make breast feeding work and that if I need to exclusively pump to feed him for awhile, indefinitely, or until I need to stop due to the stress and exhaustion of exclusively pumping, then that it OK. But it's hard to get that message from my head to my heart.